Breakdown and Recovery

I had a breakdown on Wednesday night. I guess it's about time. I've been here a while. I was stressed out because I didn't have a reader to help me grade papers, tests, or quizzes. So in addition to lesson plans and writing worksheets and tests, I had to grade six periods worth of work. I'm adjusting and learning a lot. I know have Sara Miller, the missionary daughter of the nurse practitioner and maintenance man, helping to grade for me. My assignments do not have black and white answers, so I needed an English speaker. I am so grateful.

I'll be very open with you (whoever you may be) and write some of what I wrote in my journal:

October 15, 2009 1:04 am - on my bed

God... I need Your help. I am so stressed. I would love Your peace, but I also need help grading papers. Ah. I just want to cry. How can I not have a reader? But a reader can't grade essays and sentences. Stupid English. Lord, please. I am so tired and I have so much to do in so little time. My grades are a week overdue. I am disorganized and inadequate. I want to bond with students, and I want to help them, but there's no time to grade anything or plan anything at night. I'm so tired. I need help. I don't know what to do. If 7/17 people turn in an assignment, is that my fault? I need to cover things more in depth because they don't seem to be learning a thing! So many have Ds and Fs... what am I supposed to do? DO YOUR HOMEWORK! TAKE MY CLASS SERIOUSLY! Basketball is not spelled "beicetball," (name 1)! (name 2), sit down and shut your mouth! (name 3), stop being so lazy. Just because you people can't cheat on my homework doesn't mean you can skip it. God, I just want You to hug me. I'm so inadequate. ... (stuff I don't want to broadcast to everyone with internet access) ... I'm tired of wearing the same clothes every day. I'm tired of breaking out. I'm a bad person... I could and should be better. Why am I ruining my only SM year? I owe Mrs. Peggy ___ LE for that package from ____. (name 4), stop talking. (name 5), shut up! (name 6), sit up in your desk and act like you are alive. Do not say, "That's enough, ya Miss," or I'll punch you. (name 7 and name 8), why are you in tenth grade? (name 9), open your eyes and close your mouth. (name 10 and name 11), if you lay your head on your desk one more time, I'm going to flip it over. (name 12), don't you dare try to act like I'm an idiot. You need to mind your own business and READ THE DIRECTIONS! To myself: Shape up. Why do you do what will harm you? Oh God, I love You so much.

So now you saw into my ugly soul. Hm. There I am. (For the record, I wouldn't punch anyone or flip their desks over...)

October 16, 2009 1:08am - on my bed

Today started out really rough. I was incredibly stressed, and 10 minutes before my 10th grade class started I had no idea what I was going to teach--no idea. Anything would have pushed me over the edge to make me cry. I was almost crying when asking Jessica for ideas five minutes before class. She saved my life. I taught topic sentences, and it took 80 minutes. Abanoub Khamis asked me to check one of his sentences. It was supposed to be, "I like ___ because ___, ___, and ___." It said, "I like my best teacher Mis Sara. She is my sister because she tell me I need help, she offer to help me, and she patient with me." It was something really close to that. I wanted to cry. He is such a quiet and sweet guy, and I just praise God for using him. To hear that someone thinks that I am patient with him means so much to me.

God has never given me anything more than I could handle. Never. I am so happy to be here.